


bad at love

by awkwardspaceturtle



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Crack, Drabble, M/M, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:02:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25204420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardspaceturtle/pseuds/awkwardspaceturtle
Summary: Aziraphale finds himself the unwilling listener of Gabriel's bedroom "dilemma".(formerly titled "sex talk for the holy and the damned")
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 64





	bad at love

**Author's Note:**

> did this instead of sleep, so i'm sorry if it's all over the place. anyways i love this show and i hope there will be more in their story
> 
> (changed the title bc i found the old one-liner wip i made of this from a year ago and thought this current title sounded better)

"So how do you keep it interesting fucking with that sniveling snake?"

If the crisp inflection of the forbidden S-level swear word fazed him, Aziraphale didn't show it on his face. He casually licked on the strawberry-vanilla ice cream Gabriel bought him, as managers seemingly did on clandestine meetings with subordinates. Beside him, Gabriel's cone was dripping pistacio green onto the ground, but miraculously never on his perfect hand or suit.

"Oh, the usual. I try to be creative when making heavenly miracles to thwart him... thwartilly." Aziraphale shrugged rather stiffly. Of course his superior would want to know how goes the thwarting of the evil wiles.

Gabriel let out an amused half-chuckle, the kind that gave Aziraphale the impression that Gabriel must often think of him a donkey. "Your dimness is indeed impressive, my dear Aziraphale. I thought I made it pretty clear when I said the word _fucking_."

Aziraphale let air flow out his nose. So he didn't imagine it after all. Maybe Heaven changed its stand on committing verbal transgressions, or the Archangel simply took advantage of the fact that he used the word to literally mean a carnal act and not as an offensive expression.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Well if you insist on using human terms," Gabriel conceded with an exaggerated shrug. "How do you keep pouring salt and pepper upon the unholy bed you share with that demon Crowley?"

Despite the unnerving manner with which his boss interrogated him, Aziraphale quickly decided against offering the corrected phrase " _to spice up the bedroom_ ", not because it would earn him divine punishment to exert intellectual superiority over mortal matters, but because the Holier than thou Archangel Gabriel was, for the first time, actually seeking him for counsel. In the countless millenia that he spent being his subordinate, he never would have imagined that Gabriel would ever hold his judgement in high regard, especially not in matters concerning the pleasures of the flesh (which they both may be condemned for if God Herself weren't busy rewatching _Hannibal_ on Netflix, Aziraphale reckons).

"For the record, this is no way me telling you I lack in that department - I mean, you can literally call me _blessed_ in all areas concerned," Gabriel prattled on before Aziraphale could get a word out. "- however, I've observed that once you've explored, pounded, and fingered every warm, wet, tight cavern, _and_ fondled, groped, and played with all known erogenous zones, an eternity of revisiting the same spots and repeating the same flexible positions would eventually become mundane, wouldn't you say so?"

Aziraphale.exe had stopped working at the word _fingered_ , so Gabriel went on his nonchalant and unsolicited review of his bedroom activites.

"Of course we've tried it both ways - in our human suits and in our real forms - and both times were so... like when a human chef kisses the tips of their thumb and index finger pressed together, it's like that. Spelndid. Amazing. Moist," he said with keen focus, in the likeness of a well-established man walking into a hotel VIP bar describing his favorite drink and how to make it. On a side-note, Aziraphale couldn't fathom how Gabriel could just casually hand over his melting ice cream to a passerby without so much as a glance while he continued to wax erotic.

"That Beelzebub has more holes than a public bath shower room, but nothing I'm unequipped for, obviously." He said rather smugly, but then he paused as if he just realized he went off-script or something. "Okay, there, I said it. I mean, that didn't slip out, I _meant_ to say it. I've been sharing my private hours with Beelzebub."

Aziraphale finally understood why he's eating ice cream with his boss on this lovely day: it's the day he finds out that (1) his boss knows he's fucking the enemy, and (2) his boss is fucking the enemy boss. Nonetheless, this realization did nothing to unfreeze his tongue nor clog his sweat glands, and his continued inability to contribute to the conversation prompted Gabriel to prattle on.

"I didn't really mean to torture myself by forming this mental image, but how do you satisfy yourselves when Crowley does it in serpentine form? Isn't it like feeding your manhood to a meaty and slimy condom? No, you're not allowed to have any further comments nor questions about that bit just now. Let's get back to talking about me and Beelzebub."

Just then, as if summoned by name, Beelzebub appeared behind the bench they sat on.

"A shit day to you, lads."

"A _pleasure_ to see you; it's alright now, Aziraphale knows."

"... erm, Hi?" Aziraphale immediately chose to be blind to his boss pressing kisses into the Demon's palm.

Not one to dilly-dally, Beelzebub ignored Aziraphale to turn to Gabriel and declared, "I've taken the liberty of going through a millenia's worth of unconventional, and more often than not _deviant_ , sex acts, and I'm certain I've found the key to unlocking greater heights in pleasure-seeking."

Aziraphale watched Gabriel closely. His boss, the elegant and perpetually collected Gabriel was hanging on the Demon's every word. As much as it made him uncomfortable, he couldn't help but think he was caught in the middle of some kind of weird foreplay. He made a mental note to never accept Gabriel's invitation to ice cream ever again.

And then, Beelzebub said: "--we have to hurt each other."

As one who has been engaging in venereal deeds himself, Aziraphale knew exactly what they meant. However, he could also see how Gabriel must have taken this literally, given the strained smile he put on for Beelzebub. His smile was twitching a lot more than usual. 

"... Are you saying I have to commit sin?"

"As much I would like the multiple orgasms that would give me, I'm certain I couldn't do that to you." Beelzebub put their hand on Gabriel's shoulder. "Come with me now and I'll explain to you with a..." - they quickly shot a suspicious side-eye at Aziraphale before saying - " _special_ demonstration."

At this point, Aziraphale wished his brain was half-demon, so he could at least fry this memory away with holy water. Maybe there was a miracle for that that he can look up once the other two were gone. He didn't have to wait long because at the next second, Gabriel and Beelzebub had transported themselves to do things Aziraphale wished he didn't have traumatic mental images of.

And that was how one conversation soured ice cream for him, at least for a day.

A couple of days later, over dinner, Aziraphale would tell Crowley that he spotted Gabriel with a large can of bug spray in his arm. Crowley would then share his odd discovery of a receipt in the Evil Accounting Department detailing Beelzebub's purchase of the most expensive tailored suit and a pair of scissors.

"As long as they leave us alone, maybe we should put them out of our minds as well," Crowley offered with a shrug.

"Good idea," Aziraphale said, hoping it would be the last he would have to hear from Gabriel for at least a century.

A week later, Gabriel calls him up for a double date.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! if you liked it, do feel free to check my other gabe/beel work, [ dining with the enemy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19384408)


End file.
